Why You Feel Anxious and Need to Control Everything
What If…
Why Do I Feel Anxious All the Time?
It’s important to remember that anxiety is a symptom, not the root cause. Feeling anxious all the time can come from living in a state of fear; being constantly afraid of what might happen and whether you’ll be able to cope with what life brings.
That fear can go back to your attachment and childhood. When your needs haven’t been met as a child, you can grow up feeling afraid of the world and unsure that you’ll be able to handle what comes your way. If you pause and look underneath the anxiety, you may find that what you’re experiencing is fear.
Coaching can help you begin to understand what is underneath that fear and work with the feelings that are keeping you in that constant state of anxiety. Rather than simply trying to manage the anxiety, we can look at what is driving the response and begin to change how it affects you.
Why Do I Feel Anxious When Nothing Is Wrong?
We often assume that there has to be an external crisis for us to feel anxious, but anxiety is an internal state. You can feel anxious even when nothing is wrong externally because the fear is already running through your system. Being afraid doesn't require something to be happening in your environment; it can become a state of being.
External events can absolutely create anxiety. But when you have a baseline level of anxiety, your nervous system can become wired around that fear, constantly waiting for something to happen or something to go wrong.
That can change. Coaching can help you slow down and understand what is happening underneath that constant fear, rather than simply trying to make the anxiety go away. As you begin to work with what is driving the response, the anxiety can be reduced and your nervous system can learn a different way of functioning. You don't need an external crisis to explain why you feel anxious tour system is already conditioned to wait for something to go wrong.
Why Do I Feel the Need to Control Everything?
The need to control everything can come from how uncomfortable anxiety makes you feel. When you are living in fear that something is going to go wrong or that you won't be able to handle what happens, feeling out of control can become incredibly difficult to tolerate.
Controlling things externally can then give you a sense of security. If you can control what is happening around you, it can feel as though you can calm down what is happening inside you. Routine and structure can genuinely create a sense of calm, (we are creatures of habit) but the need for control can extend far beyond what is helpful.
Coaching can help you understand what is underneath that need for control and why feeling out of control is so uncomfortable for you. Rather than trying to control everything around you, the work is about helping you become more comfortable with what is happening inside you, so you don't have to rely on external control to manage the anxiety.
You are trying to control what is happening externally because feeling out of control internally feels so uncomfortable. Coaching can help you work with that discomfort, so you have more choice in how you respond.
Why Can’t I Switch Off?
It’s hard to switch off when you’re constantly anxious and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This isn’t about making a conscious choice to relax. Your nervous system can become wired and primed to expect that something is going to go wrong, so it stays on guard even when there is nothing happening.
When your system is constantly preparing to protect you, letting your guard down can feel unsafe. You may want to relax, but your nervous system doesn’t know how to do that because it is still waiting for something bad to happen. Switching off means feeling safe enough to let go, and that can be difficult when you have spent so long living in fear.
This is where coaching can help. Coaching helps your nervous system learn to move between the on and off switches, rather than staying permanently switched on. As the system learns that it is safe to relax and safe to trust, your brain can relax too, and the anxiety can begin to calm down.
You’re not failing to switch off. Your nervous system is trying to protect you. Coaching can help show it how to trust so that you can relax.
What If I Don't Know What I'm Anxious About?
Not knowing what you’re anxious about can create even more anxiety. You can find yourself constantly asking, What am I anxious about? What’s scaring me? Why do I feel this way? The more you try to find a single answer, the more your mind can spiral into more questions: what, why, how, if, when.
That’s why trying to pinpoint exactly what you’re anxious about can be like looking for a needle in a haystack. The work isn't necessarily about finding one cause or one reason. Coaching can help you find a baseline of calm, learn how to switch off the mental spirals and reconnect with your body, rather than constantly needing to work out what is wrong.
When anxiety has become part of how you are constantly functioning, there may not be one thing creating it. It can be a collection of fears: how people will perceive me, whether I will cope when things don’t go the way I want, fear of change, transitions and everything else that can feel uncertain. All of those fears can eventually morph into one much bigger fear.
And you don't have to figure all of this out on your own. Anxiety can be layered and can go back to your childhood. I can help direct you through that process by asking the right questions and using the techniques that help you understand what is happening and begin to work with it.
How Do I Stop Feeling Anxious?
As i said earlier, anxiety is a symptom, not the root cause. What sits underneath it is often fear. So the deeper question is: how do I stop living in fear?
The way to begin is to identify the fears you are experiencing and work through the emotions connected to them. That is where coaching can help. Coaching helps you identify those fears and break the work down into manageable steps, so you can begin to process what is underneath them rather than simply trying to stop feeling anxious.
It’s also important to remember that anxiety is a natural part of life. We all have it and we need it because anxiety is what alerts us to danger. It is the alarm bell that goes off when something needs our attention. The problem is when that alarm stays on constantly, even when there is no actual crisis or emergency.
Coaching helps you learn when the alarm needs to be switched on and when it needs to be switched off. The goal isn't to eliminate anxiety completely. It is to help your system find a balance that works for you, so that anxiety can respond when it is needed without running your life when it isn't.
That balance is different for everyone. The aim is to reduce the anxiety that is affecting your life and help you manage the fears underneath it. And while working through the fears rooted in childhood can reduce many of the triggers affecting you today, new fears will inevitably come up as life changes. The goal is to have the ability to work with those fears to reduce them and get rid of them rather than having them control your life.
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Anxiety can feel like it is constantly following you. You may overthink, anticipate the worst, struggle to relax or find yourself trying to control everything around you just to feel safe.
But anxiety is often more than simply something to get rid of. It can be a response that is trying to protect you, and understanding what sits underneath it can help you begin relating to it differently.
You don't have to carry the weight of anxiety on your own.