Season 2 Episode 8 | I’m Six When We Fight (why conflict makes you feel like a child)
Episode Summary
You’re standing in the kitchen, and suddenly you need an answer.
Not eventually. Now.
Your chest feels tight. Your jaw clenches. Your stomach drops, and your thoughts start circling the same few questions: What happened? Why did you say that? What did I do? Why won't you just tell me what's going on?
You know you could leave the conversation alone for a while. You know you could come back to it later. But your mind won't let go of it.
You need to understand what happened before you can settle.
And the longer you don't get an answer, the harder it becomes to think about anything else.
You’re just trying to get through the moment.
But here's the thing: sometimes what you're trying to resolve isn't only what's happening right now.
Something about the moment has made you feel unsafe, misunderstood, dismissed, or unable to settle. Suddenly, getting an answer feels less like a preference and more like a necessity. You need clarity. You need to be heard. You need the other person to understand so that you can finally come back to yourself.
So you push a little harder.
You ask another question. You explain yourself again. You become more assertive. And when the other person pulls away, somehow the urgency gets even stronger.
Here's what most people don't realise: your reaction may make perfect sense when you understand what your nervous system is trying to protect.
Sometimes conflict activates something much older than the argument you're having. The person in front of you is your partner, but the feeling in your body may belong to an earlier experience of having to wait, defend yourself, keep the peace, or figure out what someone else was feeling before you could feel okay yourself.
And this is where learning to navigate conflict becomes a skill. You don't have to stay inside the conflict until every feeling has been resolved. You can step back, let the intensity settle, and continue with ordinary life without pretending the hurt didn't happen.
Because repair doesn't always begin with having the perfect conversation.
Sometimes it starts with something small: a cup of tea, a hug, a gesture that says we're still here.
The goal isn't to never get triggered. It's to recognise when something old has been activated, find your way back to yourself, and then find your way back to each other.
In This Episode, We Cover:
Why you feel triggered during arguments with your partner and react in ways you don't recognise
What happens to your nervous system during relationship conflict and why arguments can feel so intense
Why you need to resolve an argument immediately before you can relax or feel okay
How childhood experiences affect the way you respond to conflict as an adult
Why being misunderstood, dismissed, or ignored can trigger an intense emotional response
How old emotional patterns get activated in adult relationships without you consciously choosing them
Why you may push back, become defensive, or demand answers during an argument
Why one person's withdrawal during an argument can make the other person push harder for answers and connection
Why navigating conflict in a relationship is a learned skill rather than something we're automatically taught
How to regulate your nervous system during an argument without avoiding what needs to be addressed
Why you don't have to stay angry with your partner until a conflict is resolved
What repair after conflict with your partner can look like through small gestures of connection
How finding your way back to yourself can help you reconnect with your partner after an argument
The Invitation
This weeks pause is to take 3 minutes and think about how old you are when you enter into conflict and what it is that you need that’s going to help you come out of it.
And what is your version of a cup of tea that’s’ going to make you feel soothed, loved seen and able to come back to the present age that you are.
And remember 3 minutes can change everything.
Work With Muneeza
If you recognise yourself becoming a different version of you during conflict, you may already know that understanding your reaction doesn't always stop it from happening.
You can know that you're being triggered and still feel the urge to push back, withdraw, demand answers, or make your position completely clear. The work is learning what happens underneath that reaction what your body is responding to, what feels threatened, and what your younger self is trying to protect.
In somatic coaching, we can explore these patterns so you can begin to recognise when an old response has entered a present-day relationship, and learn how to stay connected to yourself while the other person has their own process.
Because you don't have to choose between looking after yourself and staying connected to someone you love.
If you're ready to explore that work, I'd love to support you.